We regret to inform you have been put on probation from the "decent mother's" club. The most recent offense involving your 5 year being dragged to two back to school nights...an hour past his little bed time. Said 5 year olds was seen having a TOTAL melt down and you were seen completely ignoring it. Something about seeing an old high school friend and not letting that "crumb catcher" stop your conversation.
We also have the following items on file.
Please see the list below.
1. You attempted and completed a kartwheel...knowing you have a bad knee and are carrying extra weight. If you landed in the hospital...who would take care of the kids? Mothers are NOT to be involved with having fun with their children...they might think you aren't stern.
2. You allowed your children to eat cereal for dinner when your husband wasn't in attendance last Wednesday. This is a quite grievous offense. All dinners should include something from each food group...and no tacos do not count.
3. Also...you were stopped at the grocery store with sweat pants that were akin to sleepwear. We've combed every big box store and indeed they were sleepwear...(Please see Target sleep pants from 2007). A proper mother always leaves the house...dressed impeccable (gloves and hat preferred) ... you never know who you might meet.
4. One of your children was heard saying something "not too nice" and you didn't immediately shame and embarrass them in public. Children are to be seen and not heard. You shouldn't pull them aside...that takes from the shame factor.
5. One boy was seen with hair past the 1/4 inch factor. All boys must have hair no longer than 1/4 inch from the crown of their head. No exceptions.
We the Good mothering committee of 1968 would take your "mothering" license...but we feel it would be better if we put you on probation...this way we feel we're giving you time to clean up your act.
To be taken off probation please complete the following:
1. Dress by OUT standards...no shorts, stretch pants, jeans or tennis shoes for one week.
2. Your children should behave 100% of the time in 100% of the situations... by whatever means necessary.
3. You must have well balanced meals of big globs of beef, mouth watering greasy sides (as long as their green) and heart clogging biscuits or rolls at each meal.
Thank you for your time. Please see these are done as soon as possible.
The 1968 Mothering Committee.